Answering LGBT Objections to Biblical Marriage – Part 3

Criticisms of the “nuclear family” - Submissive, Stay-at-home Wives

LGBT Objections to the Biblical pattern of marriage aren’t simply against heterosexual monogamous marriage. Most LGBT advocates think heterosexual monogamous marriages are just fine. The majority of marriages in the western world are heterosexual monogamous marriages and LGBT advocates of same-sex marriage don’t begrudge those couples who do enter into heterosexual marriages. Their criticism of Christian advocates of such marriages has to do with what they see as a backwards definition of marriage.

In the popular meme that attempts to demonstrate that God defines other kinds of marriages as well, the bullet points below are parts of the biblical definition of marriage that they object to.

-          Wives subordinate to their husbands

-          Interfaith marriages forbidden

-          Marriages generally arranged, not based on romantic love

-          Bride who could not prove her virginity was stoned to death

I’m going to respond to each of these criticisms, but the first objection is a big one – “Wives are to be subordinate to their husbands” and an idea that seems tied to it is “a woman’s place is in the home.” Admittedly Christians are responsible for promoting a chauvinist, anti-feminist, and oppressive interpretation of a woman’s place in marriage. These interpretations are based primarily on societal traditions rather than on the Bible or even what Christian theologians throughout church history have taught.

Of course this first criticism doesn’t stem from LGBT advocates, but rather from modern feminism. The Bible is a lot more pro-woman than many feminist critics realize.

Subordinate Wives

Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.

– Ephesians 5:22

¹ Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives; ² while they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear.

– 1 Peter 3:1-2

To many people, the definition of “submit” means give in to oppression. Throughout church history, some theologians and Bible teachers have taught exactly this—that a woman must live to her husband’s expectations and obey his every whim and direction. I have to admit, that is a very negative view of marriage. However, holding this view requires the reader to take the verses out of context of the rest of the passages as well as the rest of the Bible.

And the Lord God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.”

– Genesis 2:18

When Eve was created for Adam, it wasn’t so that Adam would have someone to push around and enslave. The word “meet” in Hebrew doesn’t allow for complete anti-individualistic oppression. Directly translated, the phrase “help meet for him” in Hebrew would be something like “a help in front of him,” “a help alongside him,” or “in parallel with him.”

Essentially, Adam and Eve were equals in most respects, but they had obvious differences. There were things that Adam could do that Eve could not and there were things that Eve could do that Adam could not. Their differences didn’t detract from one another, but complemented each other. Together they became more than what they could be alone.

Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.

– Genesis 3:16

After the fall of man, everything that God had created was different, had been changed, and was cursed. Where husbands and wives were equals, now the husband was in charge of the home. Adam was put in a place of rulership as head of the home. This chain of authority wasn’t put in place so that men could abuse or oppress their wives. Because of the fall, the perfect harmony of cooperation between husband and wife was diminished. Where there was peace, there would be conflict. Where there was harmony there was discord. Where there was unity, there was division.

We see that in every kind of relationship today, not just families. Think about what any kind of group relationship would be like if there was no chain of authority. What would it be like if everyone just did their own thing? It would absolute anarchy. Businesses have managers, teams have coaches, and countries have kings, presidents, and prime ministers. Because of the fall, leadership in any kind of relationship is a necessity.

God’s intended pattern of husband and wife being equals, working together in harmony is still the ideal. So, husbands and wives should work toward to achieve God’s intended pattern. In any relationship, somebody ultimately has to make decisions and be accountable.

In business, the person who owns a business isn’t necessarily the person who runs the business. Even in many small businesses, the owner will hire and train a manager to run day-to-day operations while the owner starts or develops other businesses. As the business expands, the owner may no longer be the best person to run the business. The manager becomes the expert and if the owner stepped in and tried to run things, might foul things up.

But what happens if the manager starts stealing from the company? The owner, customers, and other employees suffer. The manager will be held accountable but the owner will be held responsible and accountable because it’s his or her business. Nobody is going to look to the customers or other employees to fire the manager. Everyone looks to the owner to make that decision. The owner should be auditing the business to make sure that everything is above board. If enough illegal activity is going on, the owner may land in jail right next to the manager.

I was in the military for 20 years. In a military command structure, the commanding officer is in charge and nobody doubts that. The commanding officer sets a vision that advances the particular services mission. But the execution of the vision and mission of a specific command falls to the executive officer. The executive officer drives the day-to-day activity of the command. Because the executive officer runs the day-to-day activities and executes the commanding officer’s orders, the commanding officer understands that the executive officer often has a better awareness of how orders should be carried out. So, the commanding officer really leans on the executive officer for advice and guidance on how to implement the vision and carry out the mission of the command.

When it comes to submission in a marriage, these examples may not completely address how a marriage should function, but the idea is there. Each person brings something unique to the marriage. The husband and the wife each have unique talents and abilities which go beyond biological capabilities. Sometimes there will be similar talents, knowledge, and abilities but one spouse is stronger in those areas than the other. In the ideal marriage, each spouse recognizes the strengths, talents, and abilities in the other and yields to their experience.

As an example, in my marriage, for more than two decades, my wife ran the household budget and made almost every decision unilaterally. It’s not that I wasn’t involved in the decision making process, it was just that she was more involved in the budget than I was because I was gone a lot due to military deployments. I also procrastinated when it came to staying on top of balancing the check book. It wasn’t a matter of being better at math, I am actually way better at math, it was a matter of being there and discipline and my wife was just better disciplined at taking care of the finances and controlling spending. So, when it came to making financial decisions, I always deferred to my wife. I never bought any big ticket items (cars, TVs, etc.) without her agreement that we could afford such things.

I wasn’t always happy when my wife said, “We can’t afford that right now,” but I knew that she knew better than I did. By yielding to her on expenses, I wasn’t yielding an ounce of leadership, but exercising wise leadership. If I said, “Darn it woman! I want that expensive thing and I’m going to buy it anyway!” I would look like a boy, not a man and we would be in debt.

This is where a lot of Christian and macho men get it wrong. Being the leader in the home doesn’t mean you automatically know better. Deferring to your wife’s strengths in some areas doesn’t mean you’re “henpecked.”  It means that you will be held accountable by many in society and ultimately by God for making good and wise decisions. If your wife is more talented than you at certain things, yielding to her wisdom recognizes her abilities and the fact that she is an equal partner in the marriage. It also shows that I love her.

Likewise, feminists get it wrong when they say that if a woman is smarter, stronger, or more talented in an area she should either be the household leader or be allowed to make unilateral decisions without help from the husband at all. Because of the trust that I have developed with my wife, I do let my wife make unilateral decisions on a variety of things, but we still make important decisions together, even when one of us is stronger in an area. I may have the best idea on how a decision should be made, but if it’s a big decision, I’m not going to go ahead without discussing it with my wife.

That’s what a marriage is—an equal partnership. The biblical pattern for leadership and submission recognizes this. The Bible doesn’t just tell women to submit, it also tells men that women are talented partners in the marriage relationship and deserve love, honor, and respect.

²² Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. ²³ For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. ²⁴ Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing. ²⁵ Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; ²⁶ that he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, ²⁷ that he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. ²⁸ So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. ²⁹ For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: ³⁰ for we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones. ³¹ For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh. 32 This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church. 33 Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.

– Ephesians 5:22-31

Paul, in Ephesians 5 doesn’t just tell women to submit to their husbands, he also tells husbands to love their wives like Christ loved the Church. Paul is saying that the wife is symbolic of the Church.

Jesus gave Himself for the church. He died for it. Husbands, do you love your wife so much that you are willing to give your life for her? That is God’s requirement for marriage. Marriage goes beyond having a sexual partner for procreation or fun, it is a sacrificial relationship between two people who are willing to give their all to each other—their hearts, souls, minds, and bodies.

But just in case you can’t figure out what it means to love your wife like Christ loved the Church, Paul ties the commandment for husbands to love their wives into the Greatest Commandment. Just like Jesus said we ought to “… love our neighbors as ourselves” (Matthew 22:39), Paul said that “… men ought to love their wives as their own bodies.”

If the Bible tells men to love their wives like Christ loved the church, we can assume that if a man isn’t loving his wife like Christ loved the Church, or loving his wife as his own body he shouldn’t be surprised to find that his wife isn’t submissive.

¹ Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives; ² while they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear. ³ Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel; ⁴ but let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price. ⁵ For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands: ⁶ even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement. ⁷ Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.

– 1 Peter 3:1-7

Feminists and too many Christians look at this passage and focus in on the term “weaker vessel.” Too many people think this means that women are weaker than men. Now on average, men are stronger than women. If you decided to have a men versus women tug of war and pulled ten average men and ten average women, the men would win every single time. That’s not sexism, it’s a statistical and biological fact.

It’s not always the case that men are stronger than women. I was in the military for 20 years, but I have been out for five and I haven’t kept up with my physical fitness. Even when I was on active duty, I wasn’t always a paragon of physical fitness. If someone like me was to marry someone like Ronda Rousey, she wouldn’t be the weaker vessel by any stretch of the imagination. Even when I was in good physical shape, there were a lot of women in the world who could athletically put me to shame.

Rather than focusing on the phrase “weaker vessel” and arguing whether or not women are the “weaker sex” we should be focusing on other words – “as” and “together.” Peter isn’t saying that women are always weaker than the men they marry. Instead, Peter is saying men should honor their wives as if they were the weaker vessel. Peter also reinforces the idea of the relationship being a partnership. The husband isn’t an heir by himself, husbands and wives are “heirs together.”

A husband isn’t in the marriage by himself and the woman isn’t in the marriage by herself. Marriage is an equal partnership.

Stay-at-home Wives and Mothers

¹⁴ I will therefore that the younger women marry, bear children, guide the house, give none occasion to the adversary to speak reproachfully. ¹⁵ For some are already turned aside after Satan.

– 1 Timothy 5:14-15

Along with the idea that women are to just blindly follow their husbands is the idea that a woman’s place is in the home. She needs to be the “little wifey,” in the kitchen, barefoot, and pregnant. 1 Timothy, of course, is used by too many to justify this idea. It’s obvious that women are to “bear children” because another simple fact of biology is that men can’t bear children.

That leaves the issue of wives guiding the home. How can a man lead a home without guiding it?

Even though much of society was patriarchal and the majority of responsibility outside of the home was given to men, men were leaders at home too. While much of a woman’s responsibility in the ancient world kept her at home because of societal expectations, the Bible says that a woman can find success outside the home and even be a leader.

The first government of Israel was not a theocratic monarchy such as seen in the stories of Saul, David, and Solomon, but a judicial theocracy. Under the first form of government, the leader of Israel was a judge. Moses was the first judge and he was succeeded by Joshua. The book of Judges records the lives of fourteen judges after Joshua. The fourth of these was a woman – Deborah. Her story is recorded in Judges, chapters four and five.

The Proverbs 31 Woman

¹⁰ Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies.

¹¹ The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil.

¹² She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life.

¹³ She seeketh wool, and flax, and worketh willingly with her hands.

¹⁴ She is like the merchants' ships; she bringeth her food from afar.

¹⁵ She riseth also while it is yet night, and giveth meat to her household, and a portion to her maidens.

¹⁶ She considereth a field, and buyeth it: with the fruit of her hands she planteth a vineyard.

¹⁷ She girdeth her loins with strength, and strengtheneth her arms.

¹⁸ She perceiveth that her merchandise is good: her candle goeth not out by night.

¹⁹ She layeth her hands to the spindle, and her hands hold the distaff.

²⁰ She stretcheth out her hand to the poor; yea, she reacheth forth her hands to the needy.

²¹ She is not afraid of the snow for her household: for all her household are clothed with scarlet.

²² She maketh herself coverings of tapestry; her clothing is silk and purple.

²³ Her husband is known in the gates, when he sitteth among the elders of the land.

²⁴ She maketh fine linen, and selleth it; and delivereth girdles unto the merchant.

²⁵ Strength and honour are her clothing; and she shall rejoice in time to come.

²⁶ She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness.

²⁷ She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness.

²⁸ Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her.

²⁹ Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all.

³⁰ Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the Lord, she shall be praised.

³¹ Give her of the fruit of her hands; and let her own works praise her in the gates.

– Proverbs 31:10-31

Christians look to this passage as the ideal wife. Indeed, a “Proverbs 31 woman” would be an amazing woman to be married to. The same people who advocate that a woman has to stay at home often quote this passage. I have been to many a church Mother’s Day service and heard this passage quoted. This passage not only does not require women to stay at home, it contradicts that idea.

Certainly, the Proverbs 31 woman spends some time in the home, but she is also a woman of business and industry.

Proverbs 31:16 says, “She considers a field and buys it.” She went out, saw a piece of land and made the unilateral decision to buy it. There’s no indication that her husband was involved at all. He doesn’t need to be because “The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil” (v 11).

She runs her own business – “She maketh fine linen, and selleth it; and delivereth girdles unto the merchant” (v 24). She is a community servant – “She stretcheth out her hand to the poor; yea, she reacheth forth her hands to the needy” (v 20).

The biblical model of a wife seems like an impossible standard to live up to, but nowhere does it say a woman must stay at home or that she can’t work outside the home.

I’m not criticizing stay-at-home wives and mothers. Not at all. My wife was and still is a stay-at-home mother. Sometimes, being a stay-at-home parent is a necessity. Because I was in the military and gone a lot, my wife felt it was better for my kids to stay at home with them. I agreed.

I am trying to correct the misconception that men are to go out and work while women stay at home to cook, clean, and raise children. The man is the head of the home. That means he must be involved in the home as a partner with his wife. What happens if a man is a better cook than his wife? Should a family starve because a woman’s place is in the kitchen and the wife can’t make a bowl of cereal without burning it? What happens if a woman is trained as a doctor? Should she just give up her salary to take care of kids and make her husband “bring home the bacon” when he may not have the education and experience to provide the way she can?

This may mean a woman goes to work and a man stays at home. Many couples choose this lifestyle. Just like the stay-at-home wife and mother model isn’t practiced just by conservative Christians, the stay-at-home husband and father isn’t practiced just by liberals, feminists, and “wimpy” or “henpecked” men. As long as both the husband and wife feel that this is the best arrangement and they don’t forget the biblical premise that the husband is the head of the home, a man staying at home or a woman going into the workforce is not a violation of the biblical model.

Being a stay-at-home parent is a full time job.

Today I Didn’t Do It

  

A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.

The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.

In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a Cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened.

He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.

He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?"

"Yes," was his incredulous reply.

She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."