Answering LGBT Objections to Biblical Marriage – Part 5

Vasili Pukirev, The unequal Marriage, 1862

In Sholem Aleichem’s books about Tevye, we read a lot about the typical life of the Jewish people living in Imperial Russia at the end of the 19^th century.

In the book Tevye’s Daughters as well as in the musical Fiddler on the Roof, Tevye has seven daughters. The very first story is about his oldest daughter Tzeitl. The town matchmaker has arranged a match for Tzeitl to a rich butcher named Lazar Wolf. Tevye is excited because even though Lazar Wolf is much older than Tzeitl, even older than Tevye, Lazar’s wealth means Tzeitl will never want and will be well taken care of.

Matchmaking and arranged marriages were nothing new. Arranged marriage was the tradition for so long, that’s just the way it was. It was accepted. People weren’t always happy about it, but it was accepted.

In Sholem Aleichem’s time, change was happening. In the wild and crazy land of the United States, many people had been getting married for love. Even some places in Europe were casting off the idea of arranged marriages and choosing their own mates. Tevye is cast right into the middle of this change in culture. Not only does Tzeitl not want to marry Lazar Wolf, she and the town tailor, Motl Komzoil announce that they have been engaged for a year!

No matchmaker, no parents, just two people in love. In the musical, Fiddler on the Roof, Tevye sings, “Unheard of! Absurd!”

Arranged Marriages

People who criticize the biblical model of marriage on the basis that marriages were arranged are really grasping at straws. As I hope to demonstrate in future articles, there is a difference between what the Bible describes and what the Bible prescribes. The Bible describes many things that God does not approve of – murder, theft, adultery, lies – the breaking of every moral law God has instituted. The Bible also regulates things that are not ideal according to God’s original design, but are going to happen anyway because the fall has corrupted everything, like marriage resulting in divorce (Matthew 19:3-9).

When it comes to arranged marriages, there just simply isn’t a single command in the Bible, “Thou shalt arrange marriages for thine children.” In the Bible, God recognized the practice and alludes to it in the mention of the “bride price” if a man seduces a woman who isn’t engaged (Exodus 22:16-17). Deuteronomy 7:3-4 prohibits arranging interfaith marriages.

Other than those regulations that allude to arranged marriage, the only other mention of arranged marriage is in the descriptions of people who entered into arranged marriages and there are very few of those as well.

In Genesis, we read about a lot of people getting married, but only one story of an arranged marriage, Isaac and Rebekah. We also read about Jacob who fell in love with Rachel and arranged his own marriage with her.

The regulation regarding the “bride price” in Exodus 22:16-17 shows that it was common enough for men and women to fall in love without parents arranging marriages that God decided it was necessary to regulate it.

The idea of marriages being based on two people choosing each other for love is actually a unique and relatively new idea in terms of history. For the most part, the idea of people entering into marriage without an arrangement is less than 400 years old and were uncommon, even in the United States until the 18^th century[1].

There were some exceptions. In Italy, during the Renaissance, there were a variety of betrothal and courtship practices that were very conservative and strict compared to today’s practices, but were nothing like arranged marriages[2]. In the 15^th through 6^th centuries B.C., India had a practice called Gandharva marriages[3]. Gandharva marriages were based solely on love, mutual attraction, and the best modern comparison would be a common-law marriage where it’s understood the couple are married, but there are no witnesses, legal proceedings, religious rituals, or family involvement[4].

In many places, even in the United States and Europe, arranged marriages are still happening today. I even know a couple that is in an arranged marriage and they’re actually quite happy. Of course that’s the only arranged marriage couple I know, so I can’t say first hand if their experience is common.

I’m not in an arranged marriage and my wife and I are pretty happy. Of course we’re actually a statistical exception in a lot of ways. Statistically we should be divorced. We met in a dance club. When we met, my wife was Roman Catholic and I was an agnostic at best. We were also an interracial couple. We married young and out of wedlock. We had such a mountain of statistically predictive indicators that we would be divorced that if I had bet on the odds of our success, I would probably be pretty wealthy right now.

Statistically, arranged marriages are more successful than non-arranged marriages. The success rate of first marriages in the United States is slightly more than 70%[5]. The Amish arrange marriages and their success rate is more than 99%[6]. In India almost all marriages are still arranged regardless or religious background and the divorce rate is about 3%[7].

Of course, being in an arranged marriage isn’t the single indicator that predicts a higher level of marital success. There are social factors – in India there is heavy stigma attached to divorce for both men and women[8]. There are economic factors – some studies have shown that divorce is lower during recessions, depressions and in impoverished areas, although there is some disagreement[9]. There are religious factors – Couples who are religious tend to have lower divorce rates overall[10].

Jozeph Israëls, A Jewish Wedding, 1903

In the book, Tevye’s Daughters, Tevye invites a man named Perchik to stay with his family in exchange for tutoring his daughters. Perchik and Tevye’s second daughter, Hodl fall in love and ask for Tevye’s blessing for marriage. Tevye is hesitant at first because of tradition – What about a matchmaker? What about the parents?

In the musical, Fiddler on the Roof, Tevye in considering what he should do says, “He loves her. Love, it's a new style... On the other hand, our old ways were once new, weren't they?... On the other hand, they decided without parents, without a matchmaker!... On the other hand, did Adam and Eve have a matchmaker?... Well, yes, they did. And it seems these two have the same Matchmaker!”

Whether or not arranged marriages are better or worse really isn’t the question. The question is whether arranged marriages should be condemned and if the Bible mandates them.

The answer to the first question is it depends on the situation. It may seem strange to us, but if the parents, and children are willing, then everything else is just opinions.

Here in the United States, when a person turns eighteen, they are considered an adult and they can choose to marry or not marry whomever they want. If a marriage has been arranged and one or both parties reject the arrangement because they are adults and don’t have to follow through with it, legally, that is their right.  I would recommend that people in this situation take into consideration how it will affect their families and the other people in their community.

Ultimately, I am for people doing what is best for them, but is social and familial ostracism worth rejecting an arranged marriage? I don’t think I can appropriately answer that question, but it’s worth thinking about.

Yesterday, I was talking to my son about this article and he said he works with a man who was raised in a cult. He was arranged to be married, but he left the cult, his family, and never married the woman he was arranged to be married to. In a case like that, where you are involved in a situation that may be mentally, emotionally, spiritually, or even physically abusive, leaving that situation, even though it may ostracize you from your family and community would probably be a good choice.

The answer to the second question is a simple no, the Bible does not mandate arranged marriages.

---

[1] O'Brien, Jodi. Encyclopedia of Gender and Society. Vol. 1. Los Angeles: Sage Publications, 2009. 40-42. Print.

[2] Krohn, Deborah L. "Heilbrunn Timeline of Art History." Courtship and Betrothal in the Italian Renaissance. New York: The Metropolitan Museum of Art, 2000–., Nov. 2008. Web. 15 Oct. 2015.

[3] Lochtefeld, James G. The Illustrated Encyclopedia of Hinduism. New York: Rosen, 2002. Print.

[4] Benton, Catherine. "Gandharvas." God of Desire: Tales of Kamadeva in Sanskrit Story Literature. Albany: State U of New York, 2005. 135-39. Print.

[5] Copen, Casey E., Jonathan Vespa, and William D. Mosher. "First Marriages in the United States: Data From the 2006–2010 National Survey of Family Growth." National Health Statistics Report 49 (2012)

[6] Winnerman, Jim. "Trip Back in Time: The Amish in Ohio : Travel." Saint Louis Post-Dispatch. Saint Louis Post-Dispatch, 12 Sept. 2010. Web. 15 Oct. 2015. <http://www.stltoday.com/travel/trip-back-in-time-the-amish-in-ohio/article_6f9cd665-c965-591c-bf07-a1deecb040b9.html>.

[7] Lee, Ji Hyun. "Modern Lessons From Arranged Marriages." The New York Times. The New York Times, 19 Jan. 2013. Web. 15 Oct. 2015. <http://www.nytimes.com/2013/01/20/fashion/weddings/parental-involvement-can-help-in-choosing-marriage-partners-experts-say.html?pagewanted=all&_r=1>.

[8] Lee, Ji Hyun. "Modern Lessons From Arranged Marriages." The New York Times. The New York Times, 19 Jan. 2013. Web. 15 Oct. 2015. <http://www.nytimes.com/2013/01/20/fashion/weddings/parental-involvement-can-help-in-choosing-marriage-partners-experts-say.html?pagewanted=all&_r=1>.

[9] Kohn, D'Vera. "Divorce and the Great Recession." Pew Research Centers Social Demographic Trends Project RSS. Pew Research Center, 02 May 2012. Web. 15 Oct. 2015. <http://www.pewsocialtrends.org/2012/05/02/divorce-and-the-great-recession/>.

[10] Sullivan, Kieran T. "Understanding the Relationship between Religiosity and Marriage: An Investigation of the Immediate and Longitudinal Effects of Religiosity on Newlywed Couples." Journal of Family Psychology 15.4 (2001): 610-26. Web.